The Wall at the Edge of Hell

The Wall at the Edge of Hell

I've been through hell 
These past few years 
I'm saving my strength 
To get out of here 

When I see that wall
Stretching up so high
I'll climb right on up 
Reaching for that blue sky 

Sh, I've a secret
Sh, don't you tell
You'll never get out
Of your personal hell

The ground: it's a quagmire
The wall: it's slick jade
The sky's pretty now
But soon it will fade.

Hush, it's all right now
Hush, don't you cry
There's no one to hear you
No one to care why.

Determined and ready
I will reach the top
And when I get out
I'm not going to stop

You mean you don't know?
You mean "ya dinna ken?"
At the top people wait
To shove you back in.

No one wants the reminder
That hell is so deep
That one could open up
Right under your feet

And so they pretend
That there is no night
And please don't remind them
It isn't polite.


<I wrote this a few days ago. Obviously I was not feeling particularly optimistic.>

Brain Full of Fish

My brain feels like a pond full of brightly colored fish, swimming so rapidly around and over and under each other that I can't see a pattern, I can't follow their movement, it's just an endless swirl of meaningless color and movement. It's very disconcerting.

The fish are facts. And questions. And fears. And emotions and a bunch of other things I can't even identify.

Today at work, we met with the company representatives from the company that is buying the part of my company where I work. Most people where I work got job offers, me included.

So why am I not head-over-heels happy? I still have a job, after all, even though I'll be making less money once all is said and done (and I am struggling a bit financially right now, before I make less money). Also, head-over-heels is an inappropriate term for me to use considering I've never done a successful cartwheel; the most I ever managed was head-over-teakettle (meaning I got halfway onto my hands and everything just flopped out all over the place, usually hurting myself). 

I guess because there are so many questions left unanswered. The sale completes this weekend, and until then, they can't really tell us a lot of stuff. And I've got to make decisions on which version of their health insurance I want to go with (or do I want to continue my current plan at COBRA rates until the end of the year); and this is a major decision that you can't just change on a whim. And yes, it's great I will have health insurance.

Just so many options, so many questions, so many things going around and around in my head. I'm experiencing information overload and honestly, I don't want to deal with any of it. I just want to sit and stare at the wall and pet my cats.

I discovered something weird, though. If someone asks me a question, say, "what's the specialist copay for the more expensive plan" I can retrieve that fish, I mean information, and tell them. But then the fish goes back into the swirling, incoherent pond and I can't get that information out for myself.

Time will tame the fish. I've been through these things before. I just don't know if I have enough time before I simply make a decision without enough of a knowledge base to do more than randomly pick one.

I hate overload.