Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Eating Disorder and Meeting a Registered Dietician

So today I met with L---, a registered dietician and a counselor/therapist specializing in eating disorders.

Now I know I have binge/starve disorder. The evidence is clear. I've been using myfitnesspal app to keep myself from doing it; from eating too little during the week when I'm stressed out from the social and sensory issues at work and eating too much on the weekend to make up for it. Since the beginning of the year I've been successful at doing this.

Mostly I just wanted to know how much damage I did to myself, how long it will take to recover, what my metabolism is supposed to be and how much I'm supposed to eat (calorie-wise) without gaining or losing weight.

She thinks I have anorexia ... based apparently only on my current weight and my extreme disinclination to gain weight. She didn't really listen to my explanations of why my weight is there (yes, it's a little underweight, but only when I don't have any water in me--I weigh myself every morning after I pee just so I have a steady baseline, but in actuality I weigh more than that). Or my explanation of why I don't want to gain weight (because I did, without realizing it, and nearly went obese because of that, and it's damn hard to lose weight the right way, without destroying your body, and I don't want to do it. I didn't have to do it this time because of grief and the nausea that caused, but that's what led into the development of the eating disorder.)

So she isn't listening to me.

I don't know if I want to go back. I don't know if maybe I should go back and try to explain. I'm not very good at standing up for myself against authority. I don't like disapproval and I don't like judgement.

And even I, blind as I am to facial expressions, caught her eye roll when I mentioned the app. You'd think an app like that would be a useful tool for a dietician. She thinks she can train me to eat "naturally."

Again, not listening to me. I did try to explain that my natural eating pattern is to eat when I'm hungry and not eat when I'm not, but that stress and anxiety make me not hungry when I should be, so I have no idea when I'm actually supposed to eat ... and this is my natural eating pattern because it's what I've been doing all my life.

But she didn't hear that.

Any more than other people hear what I say. I'm getting way too used to being able to babble without anybody paying attention even if they're supposedly listening. Nobody can repeat back what I said anyway. I really should just stop talking. Or at least stop talking so much. Where's selective mutism when I need it? (That only shows up when I'm dealing with major big authority, like a cop or a judge. When it's severely not helpful to be nonverbal.)

But that's another issue.

What I don't know is how to explain to L--- that she's trying to take my crutch away from me without letting what's broken heal first. She said multiple times "how would I feel about learning to eat without using the app / depending on the app / etc". Basically, I feel like to her, entering all her food in and eating that way would be intolerable so she thinks it should be to everybody and that I'm doing it out of what, desperation?

But really, for me, it's fun. It's like a game. I'm enjoying finding out how many calories are in how much volume of food. I'm having fun searching out new recipes and new ways of making old favorites that are healthier and lower calorie (so I can eat more and not be hungry).

See, during the week I'm not hungry and I get aggravated because the app is telling me I still need to eat food to compensate for my calorie expenditure. That's because I'm stressed from work (the aspects of being autistic in a demanding sensory environment that offers no consideration for it). But during the weekend, I'm starving, because my brain is used to fueling up during those two days of not being at work and thinks that this time, I won't have food again come monday and we'd better get it in now.

Four months of eating the same amount of calories every day, weekdays and weekends, do not compensate for 40 years of starvation rations during the week and over-consumption of calories during the weekend. Not to my brain, anyway. I do hope it doesn't take another forty years of eating equally to retrain my hunger signals ... I'll be 80 before I can count on my normal hunger signals to eat properly!

That's why I went to L---. I wanted her to tell me how long it'll take before it'll be easier. Before I can let myself eat what I want to on the weekend without having the very bad feeling that I'm wanting way too much. The app shows me that what I want to eat on the weekend is usually far more than I should be having ... not if I want to keep it balanced with the weekday.

Anyway, food and keeping track of it and learning all about it and making new versions of old favorites and finding new favorites ... it's become one of my aspie special interests. I used to like collecting books and dvds, but that lost its pull sometime last year. So I had this blank area waiting for a special interest to develop, and there it is, food and everything to do with it. Poof, like magic.

I'm even thinking about taking an online nutrition course, one of those free-from-major-college-like-Harvard courses. Not sure I want to study regularly though. I'm having too much fun doing this helter-skelter, in whatever order I choose.

I guess it's hard for a non-aspie to understand that. It must seem like I am doing this app out of a desperate search for something to keep me from gaining weight (thus her conviction of anorexia). Maybe I didn't emphasis the "not losing weight" part enough, or maybe a neurotypical person just can't be led to understand the utter fascination and fun a special interest gives an autistic person.

I have another appointment next week. They're expensive, and I have to file the insurance myself. Perhaps I will give this one more try. Maybe I can explain, sort things out. Maybe I can just get her to tell me what I wanted to know in the first place and let all the other stuff alone.

Still stings that she wouldn't listen to me, though. She did, however, say that it would be interesting and complicated (in a good way) to work with me due to how my autism intersects with the eating disorder ... so maybe she's willing to try to listen, especially if I tell her she didn't? People don't usually react well to that, though.

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