Monday, May 30, 2016

Am I Pretty?

You know, don't you. You know if you're pretty, or attractive, or cute, or handsome, or whatever adjective strikes your fancy as something you want to be.

But I don't. I have no clue if I'm pretty or not. I have absolutely no idea whether looking at my face gives people pleasure because they find it attractive or repulses people because they find it unattractive. I don't think I'm ugly, mainly because it seems like there are few truly ugly people (or at least, that I think are really ugly) and those people get uncontrollable physical reactions from others.

In other words, people flinch when they see a really ugly face but they control the reaction and try to pretend it didn't happen. Something along the same lines as when they realize that someone is missing an arm or leg and is wearing a prosthetic. That same wince and cover-up. People don't do that to me so I don't think I qualify as ugly.

Am I pretty, though? Maybe it shouldn't matter. I'd like to know, even if it doesn't matter.

But there is literally no one you can ask that question of and get a straight answer. I've thought about this (probably too much) a lot and gone through a whole host of people I could ask.

My mom. Nope. She's going to tell me I'm pretty (and probably add something about pretty is as pretty does, or something religious). She's going to think that I'm pretty because she loves me, and cares about me, and obviously, if you ask the question, am I pretty, you do not want the answer of "no" even if it's true.

Unless you're me.

My siblings. Nope again. Same reason as my mom, with the added confusion of sibling rivalry and teasing going on. No matter what they said, I couldn't trust it to be truth--they could be teasing me or just fed up with me that day and say "you aren't."

My friends. Well, of course they aren't going to tell me I'm unattractive. Your friends aren't supposed to say things like that. Even I've learned that. And, oddly enough, not the hard way, the way I learn most social interaction rules. So they're useless for the truth in this situation.

My enemies? If I could identify who was someone who truly disliked me vs someone who just doesn't care, even if I could, that's a stupid idea. They're going to want to hurt me. Depending how subtle they are, they're going to tell me I'm unattractive (no matter what the truth), or they'll tell me I am attractive but "let" me overhear them mocking me for asking the question later, and saying to one of their friends that they can't believe I asked such a stupid question but they just "didn't feel right" telling me the truth so of course they told me I was pretty.

People who don't know me and don't care? Well, it's a very odd thing to ask a random stranger. If it's a guy, they'd think I'm flirting, and say I'm pretty so I keep flirting with them (given that we've already established I'm not ugly). If it's a woman, it kind of depends on what kind of person she is and how her day has been; if she likes to cut other women down or build them up; if she's under a lot of stress, etc. But most likely the answer will be that "you're pretty" because everyone knows that telling someone she's not pretty, especially if she's acting all vulnerable and childlike by asking you directly, is a good way to really make someone's day very bad. And most people don't want to make you feel bad--not if they're total strangers.

So that's it. All the different groups of people I could ask. And not a single one could be trusted to tell me if I'm actually attractive or just okay to look at.

And why don't I know? Everyone else seems to have a good idea if they're attractive or not. Is it because of the prosopagnosia, that I can't remember my own face once I turn away from the mirror? I don't seem to repel my own self in the mirror, but that just could be because I'm used to me.

Or is it something with the autism, making me not able to see a physical worth judgement that my culture holds dear but I don't understand?

In any case, sometimes it bothers me. Like a tiny hangnail, so tiny you forget which finger it's on when you actually get to a location with a nail clippers. Just a little bit.

Am I pretty?

2 comments:

  1. I probably shouldn't mention this, but one possibility might be to find a website (I'm sure there are many) where men rate women's appearances based on submitted photos. Submit your photo anonymously (perhaps along with others you want to compare yourself against) and see what happens.

    If you do this, please blog about it!

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  2. That would work only if I wanted to find out if I were attractive in a sexual sense, but that's not exactly what I'm aiming for. It's "pretty" in a more general sense. Also, I'm fairly sure that those websites are filled with trolls who just love making nasty comments, and since I don't do makeup and hair and clothes to make me look "better", I'd probably get way too many of those to do a single helpful thing for my already struggling self-esteem.

    If only there were a site for general attractiveness, not romantic. Kind of like I wish there was a site for "finding a best friend" instead of all the dating sites for "finding your perfect mate."

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